As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they could answer? Well guess what.... Australia Post are hiring.
A blonde just texted me saying "What does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know".
She replied, "OMG nobody does!".
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
I answered the door this morning.
A giant beetle punched me in the face and called me a stupid moron.
Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.
There are two ways of arguing with a woman.
Neither one works.
A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
I buy all my guns from a guy called "T-Rex".
He's a small arms dealer.
Paddy was selling his pet python on ebay.
Some bloke rang him and asked, "It it big?"
Paddy said "Massive".
"How many feet?", the bloke asked.
"None", said Paddy, "it's a bleedin' snake!"
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm.
I handed her super glue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me.
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts I've got in this bag, you can have 'em both.